i'm lost....i was never found

So, me as a person...I don't know who I am. I never got the opportunity to just find myself for me. To figure out who I am and to understand myself. It has always been about everyone else in my life. I guess I never really gave myself the opportunity either. Now, with being a mother, I REALLY will not be able to take that time out to find me, and who I am, and who I should be. I know this sounds selfish but, I don't expect anyone to get it unless they are in my situation.

I am terribly unhappy. Unhappy with my relationship, unhappy with the way my life is now. Just completely all around UNHAPPY. I feel I have no friends anymore because we don't hang out. My best friend has a new best friend and she's someone I won't understand, because my best friend and her are so much more alike then even me and my best friend...if that makes sense at all. I miss doing pottery with her, and I miss reading just for myself. I want to pick up a book to read that isn't dealing with my school and my degree. I want to read and smell a nice book waiting to be picked up and read and not put down until the last chapter is reached. Reading relaxes me but then i don't even have time for that let alone myself. I am lucky to have time enough to even go to the bathroom.

My boyfriend/fiance whatever, is not the man I thought he was going to be, especially when Sascha was born. I cannot rely on him like I thought I could. My life has just pretty much crumbled into a mound of wishes and dreams and hopes that more than likely will never happen. I know its not optimistic, but its the reality of things.